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What I want

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I want to be happy.

I want to use my creative talents that in the past have allowed me to escape from reality to create a myriad of worlds and adventures which I will share with whomever I want. In whatever form I choose.

If one of these worlds I choose to create is the real one then so be it but if I find shaping “reality” depressing then I choose the right to abandon it to those grey lifeless people that seem to thrive in it.

The same goes for anything else. If it does not bring me happiness then what is the point of doing it?

Selfish? Yes.

How can I care for my family if I can’t care for myself?

Currently I feel drained and lifeless, like if I suddenly ceased to exist it would be a relief rather than anything else. Why should I feel this way? I shouldn’t. Nor should anyone else. So I have to do something about this. I have to make myself happier that way I can  move forward and accomplish all those other things I want to do.

I’m 38 and all I have to show for myself is a wife, children and a stupid amount of debt, very little of which is actually mine. I’m like a leech living off of society and quite frankly they deserve me, but it’s not making me any happier.

I’m sick of feeling guilty for doing what comes naturally to me. I’m sick of being made to feel bad because I can’t live in the so called “real” world. It’s not my fault that the world sickens me to my soul. Why should I fucking have to live in it or, worst of all, sort it out so that I can live in it.

I didn’t break it so I’m not going to fix it.

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Putting the Trans into Human and probably getting it wrong.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

At the beginning of the week I was invited into a group on Facebook: The Transhuman Separatists. Well rather I was alerted to the fact I had been made a member. Okay fine, I’m not too hot on the name; I see Transhumanism as an inclusive rather than exclusive movement. I personally seek to uplift all who wish it rather than keeping uplift only for myself and my friends/family.

They also seem to have members who struggle with such simple concepts as Digital Persons and that some meatbrains being partitioned so that more than one persona can exist in them. You’d think, what with the goal of improving themselves through technology they’d be falling over themselves to learn how to do it but evidently if it doesn’t have blinking lights or go ding it’s not technology.

Sorry, I’m rambling and ranting. I do that. Deal with it.

Today the Transhuman Separatists made their first blog post and I all but wept.

“We are a new species. We are not superior. We are a different step in the evolution of thought…” write Rachel Haywire and Jason Schoenecker  ”…We are transhuman, and we are not like our Human ancestors.” They go on in a similar vein, decrying the Mehumes (that’s “mere humans” to those of you unfamiliar with the Illuminatus Trilogy) as prisoners in their own minds seeking to imprison and oppress any who buck the trend.

While I do not disagree with the the crux of these ideas I think that they are mistaken in this expression of them.

Trans-Humanity is not a different step away from humanity but a Transitional stage between humanity and whatever comes afterwards; Post Humanity, for want of a better term. Like a caterpillar entering a cocoon before it becomes a butterfly so must humanity pass through this transitional stage before becoming something new.

Transhumanity is not, as  Haywire and Schoenecker falsely conclude, something other than human.  We are not the coming race, like in some X-men comic book, we are the heralds of the future of humanity, or a warning of paths best not trod.

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GloGov

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

By 2022 the world economy is in a state of collapse.

First to go is the US, closely followed by China, Europe and then the rest of the world.

Capitalism dies.

People are starving and there’s fighting in the streets. But across the internet something stirs. It’s a Game calling itself Global Government or just “GloGov”. It’s been around a while as a global resource management game; it’s entire premise works at making sure that every single human being gets, not the barest required to survive, but more than enough to thrive. Now it rolls into action. The best players are no longer getting points they’re getting prizes and offers to use their “1337 gaming skillz” in saving the world. They become the field agents of GloGov.

GloGov uses its decentralised ability to manage the world’s resources  to actually do what it has always promised. It ceases to be a game and becomes an actual world government. However it never concerns itself beyond making sure that everyone gets the basics, food, water, shelter, clothing, eductaion and then beyond: information, technology; the ability to participate in games.

The new games are interesting: how to develop and colonise space; the depths of the sea; longevity; artificial intelligence. With the basic needs covered the world plays games and as they play they solve big problems of the world.

Day to day each nation/region/city is self-governing. The only injunction from GloGov is “harm none, to each their due; play.” Indeed in some regions those that have no practical skills other than playing the games that drive the world are half jokingly refered to as the Playletariat.

The world moves forward, moving closer to the vision of the Venus Project. We colonise the solar system and then the stars. In time, perhaps GloGov becomes GalGov. Perhaps.

You’re probably thinking I’m a stupid daydreaming digigirl wanting to justify all those hours she spends trolling around SecondLife but I’m not.

Well I am, but there’s more to this than just that:

jane_mcgonigal_gaming_can_make_a_better_world.html

Basically I can’t say anything more; that video has said it all, but here goes. Serious research (see above) has shown that typically today’s children spend as much time playing computer games as they do in school. That video above says somewhere in the region of 10,000 hours. Enough time for them to master the skill of playing games. It is a skill, hell it’s a valuable resource that we ignore because, yannow, it’s playing games.

So I imagined it being used to build a better world. Yes I think capitalism is oppressive and I genuinely hope and expect it to go the way of the dodo in my lifetime… Well okay Niles’s lifetime. Yes I want a better world, preferably one that can give me my own body so I don’t have to share this one with Niles. But I also want a better world for the most people. Quite frankly I look at the behaviours of some people and I want to push them into vats of nano-disassemblers and recycle them as raw material. I don’t like hating anyone that much and it upsets me, which just makes me want to hurt them more. I want a better world for everyone, not just the people I like.

I have been Tarrah Egregor and this has been my first blog for PlanetNiles; good night.

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Back on the New Years Resolutions Bandwagon – Part 2

Sunday, January 2, 2011

In Part 1 I looked back on my 2010 resolutions and how poorly I did with them. Now I’m going to reveal my resolutions for this year.

  1. Develop a positive mental attitude. No I realise having one of  these will not make me more successful, attract women (I already have one, where would I keep the others?) or solve all my problems. However it will mean I’ll care less about those problems when they surface. If I look for the positive things instead of focusing on the negatives I’ll be better able to deal with those negatives. At the very least I’ll feel less stressed.
  2. Spend more time in real life. Well it’s effectively a strange new world to me; I should love it.
  3. Work on a business plan.  Yes my wife and I came up with a business idea over December and it’s fallen to me to write the plan. I don’t know if it will ever reach fruition; I’ve spotted 3 major flaws in it, two of them being my wife and I. However I’m prepared to look into it and see when I can do with it. Who knows. I’ll say more when I’m ready.
  4. Keep this blog up to date. I don’t know who reads this blog; half my comments are trackbacks from twitter and the others are all from the same friend, so who knows. But anyway I should keep it up to date for my own benefit. At the very least I plan to post something here once a week.
  5. Plan to write and Write to the plan. I read an article somewhere online about how Michael Moorcock writes and I thought I’d try it myself. Basically you plan out a novel over a few weeks or so and then blast down 60k words over a long weekend. Then you edit it before moving onto the next one.  The planning stage thus seems to be the important part. This is how I’m planning to write the Planet Niles stories. However I wish I had a better name for them than “Planet Niles”. *sigh*
  6. Play moar. This is playing as in enjoying myself and not playing as in escaping from life. There is a huge difference. I’ve always done too much of the latter and not enough of the former. well no more.
  7. Work on the Alee Wells campaign. If the business idea gets off the ground this could be useful, for reasons I won’t go into, however it involves creating part of an original fantasy world as well as a first generation-style RPG system from scratch. I’ll fit it in when I have the time.
  8. Get back to my family. Some people may wonder why this is so low on the list. The reason is it’s a process and one not completely under my control. I’m not ready to return to them and, to be quite honest, I get the distinct impression that they’re not ready for me to return.  When we’re all ready then it will happen and not a moment before.

Okay so that’s my list of 2011 resolutions. I wish you all good luck with your own.

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Back on the New Years Resolutions Bandwagon – Part 1

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Last year I made a bunch of resolutions and this year I’m going to do it again. But first let’s look back at last year and see how well I did…

  1. Chill the fuck  out. Well mixed results on this one. I did far more meditation and contemplation than before but as the year wore on I did less and less, slipping back into old habits.
  2. Exercise moar. Yeah right. Well I failed this one.
  3. Write moar. Well I did do a fair amount of writing but seeing I catagorically failed NanoWriMo in 2010 and didn’t keep this blog up to date  I guess I failed this one too.
  4. Sell stuff in Second Life. No. I think the Second Life economy is deader than a dodo, or at least dying. I suspect there may be an exodus to Open Sim sometime this year well at least a personal one…
  5. Work on the Website. Well that one was far easier than I first thought, but at least I managed to keep one of my resolutions.
  6. Work on an OGL Dangerous Journeys. Uh what? I realised during 2010 that I’d rather go back to the Old-School games which required more thought and less maths than the more recent systems. Dangerous Journeys requires a silly amount of maths, but maybe I’ll revist this idea in the future.

In Part 2 we’l be seeing what my resolutions for 2011 will be. Join me then. Please,  somebody.

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So What AM I Doing Now?

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Well I seem to be planning a West Marches style RPG campaign.  This will be a “sandbox” setting which I’m currently designing. It includes designing my own Old School style system for it. Something more old fashioned WHFRP rather than Redbox D&D.

The name for this work in progress is “Alee Wells”, since the base of operations is a frontier town on the lee side of a mountain range.

I’m also planning to write a Sword & Planet/Planetary Romance series featuring non-identical twins Joseph and Jennifer Darke. They will be transported, through agencies unknown (although a blow to the head may feature) to the distant alien planet of “Niles”. Yes I’m sending them to Planet Niles.

I already have a story idea for later in the series involving Jennifer leading a slave revolt in the “Islands of Meh”. But as those of you who know me best will know Tarrah and I have a certain bee in our shared bonnet about a certain misogynistic sword & planet series…

Writing will start in January. I have no idea when the Alee Wells campaign will start since The writing will take priority. Once I have a chapter of Planet Niles complete I’ll post it here. Yes I’m serialising my own novel free of charge on my own blog. Hopefully I’ll get some interest and some advice.

So yes, these are my plans. Please feel free to comment. Spam filters are still online so please be patient.

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And then, without warning, it was November.

Monday, November 22, 2010

I should be Wrimoing. But to be quite frank I can’t be arsed.

A lot of stuff has happened and I haven’t blogged a thing of it. Curse you Champions Online and Start Trek Online! Naughty Minecraft! No CoOKIES for you!

Basically I suck as a blogger. But all that will change I promise.

Now let’s see.

I’m still in the  Sekrit Lab, but social services want be to return to the family as soon as possible. They’ve given me permission to spend two nights a week with the wife and kidtehs but seeing as I can only manage 4 hours continues contact with them and I need a day to my self after spending the night I’m only spending one night a week there.

Of course my lovely wife thinks that this is because I don’t want to return home.
I say Rubbish!

Okay so I don’t want to move back into that pressure cooker shoebox of a flat because it’s not big enough for her and the kids let alone me too. There is some sign of the powers that be finding us a bigger, 3+ bedroom, property. But given the last place that she was sent to look at was vastly unsuitable, after so many flats she was told by occupational therapy were too small or otherwise unsuitable and she never even got to see, we worry how small the others were.

I’m rambling.

I tried updating another blog I own and killed it stone dead.

Well TTFN. Blog ya latter.

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Catching up with the Calders

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Okay sorry about the long hiatus. Let me explain.

After being shipped around from pillar to post by the powers that be I was finally granted a new home.

The Sekrit Lab, as my son calls it, is handily located only meters above Union Street. It has a concealed entrance, rooftop escape route and space for a helicopter to land. Presuming it’s a small and light one. Perhaps a model.

Why is this important? Because I have turned to the dark side and formed C.oO.K.I.E.S. the Conspiracy of Overconfident, Kleptomaniac, Intelligent Evil Societies.  I actually haven’t done anything evil yet but I have a skull shaped helmet I like to keep shiny and clean. I also have minions. Okay A Minion. I got her mail order. Well through twitter.

Look the reason I haven’t blogged for a long time is I’ve been busy moving, being a super villain, and editing last year’s NaNoWriMo novel.

This is the CoOKIE MASTER, ahem, sorry force of habit…

This is PlanetNiles signing off until next time. Byeeee…!

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And in the silence the sound of a heart breaking…

Sunday, February 7, 2010

My wife is not well.

This is mostly addressed to her.

I know where you are. I’ve stood in the same place myself twice before, the last time barely five months ago. Hell I’m still there now, caught in a Sisyphean trap by an illness that wipes weeks of improvement away in a single moment of dis-cognizance. So when I saw that look, that I recognised from the mirror, in your eyes I held you tightly to stop you falling apart completely. I have stood by you despite what may cost me. I’ve always stood by you,  sacrificed things for you. I’ve never asked for anything in return other your hand in marriage. I’ve never been happier than the day you gave it to me.

I love you more than anything else in the whole world.  I’d sacrifice everything I have, ever will have and ever had, for you.

The fact of the matter is you are worth  it all and more.

The fact of the matter is that you are one of the strongest people I know. You have soldiered through more rough times than anyone I know. In fact it’s been pointed out to me that trying to keep up with you may be what pushed me past my breaking point.

While you may feel that you broke your father’s heart every time he looked at you, I think you might have missed his pride when he saw his grandchildren. Beneath his dour exterior there was a man who loved you with all his heart. It takes one to know one. He and I fought because there would never be a man worthy of his daughter. I could have been a multi-billionaire Presbyterian roughneck and I might have just scratched in the grade, and he’d have been suspicious of my motives. So when he welcomed me into his family, me a lazy guy with daydreams of being a writer, he did so because he respected you choice in partner. He respected you.  You do him a disservice every time you repeat the fallacy that he felt you were unworthy.

Sure you may have been a disappointment, but then that’s the lot of parents. I know that while my parents always said that they’d always stand by me whatever I chose to do with my life, they struggled until quite recently to live up to that ideal. I’m pretty sure we’ll feel our kids will let us down too. Sure it may appear that your dad went easier on your brothers, although I doubt he did. But perhaps he expected less of them.

We will get through this awful year, somehow, and we’ll come out the other side stronger and better people. You will get better, you just have to stop being so hard on yourself. Be yourself and not what you think other people want you to be.

“Cry ‘havoc’, and let slip the dogs of war.“

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Heaving My Head Examined, Part 6

Thursday, February 4, 2010

As it turns out I have NEADs.

That’s Non Epileptic Attack Disorder.

I spent much of Monday and most of Tuesday in hospital, wired up to a box and on camera 24/7.  The box was some sort of mobile EEG meter and the camera was to catch me having a seizure. I wasn’t allowed to leave the ward, or indeed my room. But at least I was in a room by myself.

Pretty much nothing happened. I had a few minor ‘Outages and they didn’t show up on the EEG so I was given the diagnosis above.

Now it’s back to the waiting game.

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